Essay by PaperNerd ContributorCollege, Undergraduate November 2001

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Decisions I used to date her back in high school Shaundeal was her name. We both went to Cheyenne High School I meet her in the tenth grade In an English class.

We also rode the same bus as her so we became close friends in a short time.

During the school year we both were dated other people. However then we soon started to have feelings for one another, so we broke up with our partners and started dating each other in February. We were both sexually active so I had no problem getting to her house after school where we would spend time together. This lasted until school ended in summer of 1999. That is when we broke up and she had moved. We still remained close through friends and our feelings still were strong for each other.

School was back in session and we were in the eleventh grade.

She had moved back to her old house and we started hanging out together after school again, but we soon lost interest in each other. During the middle of the school we stop talking and went our separate ways. I was dating another girl and she was seeing some one else also.

This lasted until our senior year in high school she was in a serious relationship with her boyfriend who she had been dating since junior year and I was single, just chillin' on the block. After graduation she was going through some problems with her boyfriend so I would council her on her problems on the phone. One day we agreed to go see a movie together.

After the movie, we had went to the park and that is when we had sex.

We had not done that since our junior year in high school. I saw her another two or three times and on two of those accessions we had unprotected sex.

I left for two weeks for Boston to visit my family in late June. When I came back from my trip I got a phone call from her and she told me she was pregnant. Immediately I asked how far along she was and she said, "About three weeks" which was about the time we had sexual intercourse. The second thing I asked her was,""Have you told your boyfriend yet?" and she replied "No". I felt a sign of relief and anxiety at the same time. I had never been in this position before and I didn't want to be in it at all.

Shaundeal was just as worried as I was. She didn't know if should tell anyone or just keep it to herself and let the events play out. We were both in a state of helplessness and I really had no advice for her. Abortion came up and she didn't know how to take it.

Her thoughts were, If I kill this baby I will be denying a girt from God; on the other hand, if I keep this child i would not know who the baby father is for sometime. All I could think about was the thought of me being a father I was fresh out of highschool not yet exposed to the real world. Taking care of a child is a big responsibility that I wasn't ready for, but something told me I should be by Saundeal's side and let things play out and take care of what is mine if the child was. Mixed emotions played in Shaun's and my mind for about a week and a half. Long hours on the phone figuring out if she should tell her boyfriend and her family that she was pregnant or not.

I still was leaning toward her getting the abortion, but I still had that feeling inside of me that was telling me over and over again that I should have this baby by Shaundeal, if it was mine. It would be an experience that would be the greatest. The next day she told me she had scheduled an appointment to have the abortion. She told me that she didn't want me to think too much of it and just to go on with my life and not think about it but the thought plagued me like a disease.

She was taking my advice and I didn't even want to hear it l. Finally, the day came and she called me early that morning to tell me everything was going to be ok and that this was for the best. I couldn't take the news so I told her to call me back when it was done. For the next two days thoughts and emotions ran throughout me like water coming out a faucet. Images were in my head day and night all I could think about was what if it was mine. Would it look like me and have my eyes and my personality or would it take after its mother and be as pretty as the sunrise, a boy or girl. Would he or she be gay or straight? This was in my dreams and I just couldn't shake it until she called me back. She told me the operation was easy and quick and that she immediately felt better. Suddenly I'd almost cried, but I didn't let her know. She had told me that she told her boyfriend about our short term fling we had behind his back but I really wasn't really paying any attention. His feelings were the lastthing on mind.

As she talked and talked there was something that was burning in the back of my head that I had wanted to know since the day I had come back from my trip. Was the unborn child really mine? I didn't ask her while I was on the phone because I didn't know how she would have reacted to the question. I waited a few days after the incident. I hadn't really an idea on how to bring it up, but I was going to ask her so I paged her and she called back. We talked on the phone for about fifteen or twenty minutes until I blurted out and asked if the child had really been mine. There was a long pause on the phone, and then she said "No" there was lightness on my shoulders and mind.

I was sweating the worst and I had nothing to worry about. As I awoke from my dream I was still disturbed by the news Shaun had told me, I wish I could go back and change the past as I envished I had told her not to go through with the abortion . While I lay there in my bed I said to myself " I will never make a decision like that, ever again, in my life."